i've kept more quiet this year than i have for a very long time. almost without noticing it, i've slowly reduced the number of in- and outgoing conversations on my cell phone to a bare minimum, while the quantum of online communities needed to be visited - and participated in - on a daily basis, is hitting an all time low. there's a wooden smell of burnt bridge when i look over my shoulder. and, given the right articulation, i do feel bad about this.

it's easy to regret being a slob about staying in touch with people i still regard as friends on my offline lists. still, the need for being jolly just hasn't been there, and i'm not sure if my social energy levels are set for an immediate rise either. sitting here now, alone in the cold, dark nights of february 2009, i remember life being all sorts of things that it isn't anymore. clearly, a thought that smells of heavy melancholy, but, at the same time, a thought that in its capacity of illustrating a choice of my own, doesn't inflict me with too much insomnia either.

well choice, at least, in terms of my brain - probably while i was busy doing something else - deciding that for a couple of months, initiative is a concept of no use for me. there's nothing final about this, though. who knows what glorious transfigurations the future might hold? but for now, i guess, i'm fine just performing my simple, invisible every day routines, keeping my all-of-a-sudden-oh-so-private persona upright. i know i still live in the middle of what used to be something more outgoing, and i guess i also know that there are ways to restore it, that aren't yet too expensive or complicated. it's the panic button that keeps everything from falling apart.

i know that if i left it all forever, i'd break my own heart.